Losing You
by Aggie1013
Summary: You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. But will Grissom realise that before it's too late? Set during Grave Danger. WORK IN PROGRESS. Please R
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Losing You

**Summary: **Grissom and Sara realise few home truths during the events of "Grave Danger"

**Rating: **T

**Author's Notes: **This story started out as a scenario, filling in the gaps regarding Grissom and Sara during "Grave Danger", and after the first chapter, with encouragement from wonderful people at talk.csi, I decided to expand it into story. It's still work in progress, so bear with me. Enjoy!

It's been the last thing Sara expected to hear. It's been hard enough dealing with the fact that Nick, one of her closest friends and workmates, has been kidnapped and buried alive, but to hear that Grissom has been in an explosion has been a whole other thing!

When Catherine came to tell her, the senior CSI barely holding her own composure, Sara's heart literally stopped for a second.

"Sara, something's happened. We need to get to Boulder Highway."

Catherine's tone told her she wasn't going to like it.

"Is it Nick? Have you found him?"

Catherine, tears brimming in her eyes, gave Sara such heart-wrenching look, filled with sympathy and pain, that the latter didn't have to ask.

"It's Grissom."

It's Grissom. Two simple words, a name which had always made Sara's heart skip a beat. Two words, said with such tension and worry. Sara wasn't exactly sure what she felt, when she heard Cath utter the sentence she'd always been dreading to hear. Especially now, when she's been feeling so vulnerable and upset over what had happened to Nick. This wasn't fair!

Her blurry vision made her aware that the feelings she'd so carefully tried to keep in check, were out of her system and her conflicted emotions made her unable to realistically assess the situation.

And as much as it anguished her, the only thing on her mind at the moment was not to find Nick. All she wanted was to get to Grissom. No-one else and nothing else mattered. She knew that her life wasn't worth living, if he wasn't there, by her side.

She glanced over at Catherine and Warrick, both of them quiet and obviously trying to keep their own feelings in check. She could have imagined how they felt, but their pain at the potential prospect of losing another person close to them, was nothing compared to hers.

Grissom was their boss, their fellow worker, their close friend. He was their confidante, a leader, someone they trusted and respected.

He was all those things to her, too. But the difference was, he was also so much more. Sara has never been afraid to admit it. To herself, and to Grissom. She has laid her feelings bare, and he knew how she felt, yet his head was still in conflict with his heart.

Despite the fact that he's never openly admitted how he felt, losing him was Sara's worst nightmare and she knew that she'd never forgive herself if something had happened to him, and she wasn't there.

Biting back the tears, that again had started to form a painful ball in her throat, she glanced out of the window, silently willing the car to go faster.

Sara got out of the car and nervously looked around, quickly taking in the distressing view of a burning building, the debris of body parts, and dollar notes floating in the air.

"Oh my God!" Catherine didn't even try to hide the shock and terror in her voice.

Warrick put his hand on her arm, his face solemn, as he briefly squeezed his eyes, and shook his head in silent horror and dismay.

Giving Cath a small, reassuring smile, he turned to Sara to comfort her, but she'd already gone to the ambulance standing nearby.

Tears sprung to Sara's face when she saw him, sitting on the ambulance floor, his body slumped and his face covered in blood. He looked startled and confused, as she's never seen him before.

Her heart went out to him and it took her all of her inner strength to resist taking him in her arms and never let go.

"Are you ok?"

Before she knew it, her hand went to his blood-strained face, stroking it gently.

"Grissom?"

"He blew himself up and left us with nothing."

His words took her by surprise. She looked into his eyes, but she almost drew back when she saw the pain that transpired from their depths. Grissom looked beaten. She's never seen him like this and his grief-stricken face brought tears to her own eyes.

"Thank god you're ok." She whispered to him.

"I don't know what I'd do if something had happened to you!"

Upon hearing Sara's voice, Grissom lifted his head and looked at her, as if only just noticing that she'd been standing there.

"Sara. I'm ok. He left us with nothing."

Tears that have been brimming in Sara's eyes flew freely down her cheeks.

"I know."

"He wouldn't tell me where Nick is."

Unable to stop herself, Sara cupped Grissom's face in both her hands, stroking it gently.

"I know", she whispered. "I know."

"Sara... He asked me, Gordon asked me what I felt."

Sara held her breath as she waited for Grissom to continue, her hands never leaving his face.

"He asked me what I felt every time I pressed that button. I... didn't know. I didn't know what to say to him, because no matter how much I wanted to say that my pain was almost unbearable... All I could think about was you."

He added the last sentence, focusing his gaze on Sara's face.

His admission took her by surprise.

She'd never imagined him saying that, especially now, not so as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Sara... Thank you."

"What for?"

"For being here."

She studied his face for a brief moment, looking for an answer to the silent question, that appeared in her head.

She knew what he meant.

Their eyes locked and she knew they would have to talk about this.

But this was not the time.

"I know", he said. "I know. Let's find Nick first, ok?"

"Yes."

Unable to fully process the roller coaster of emotions in her brain, Sara turned away to help the others at the crime scene, when Grissom's voice stopped her.

"Sara...I just..."

Turning to face him, she took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

" I know. We'll talk later, ok?"


	2. Chapter 2

"I want my guys back."

It was the way he said it. Sara glanced at Gil, wondering if she'd heard him right. Suddenly, everything she held together for so long, shattered into million pieces inside her body, and the release of her feelings has been so strong, that her heart could barely take it.

She turned away from Grissom and slowly walked towards the Tahoe, standing nearby.

Closing her eyes, she rested her forehead against the cool glass and exhaled deeply. She felt her hands shivering, only partly from the cold, and her whole body drained with exhaustion.

Sara felther lip tremble, and she quickly got into the car before the tears threatened to fall.

_They found Nick in time. He was going to be ok. Everything was going to be ok._

Her eyes darted to where Grissom was still standing, talking to Ecklie. She felt something inside her crack.

He was still here. And so was she.

And they needed to talk.

---

"But he's gonna be fine, right?"

Catherine nodded, her smile contagious. Just for a moment, all she wanted was simply to revel in the feeling that Nick was going to be fine. Nothing else mattered, and for those few moments when the doctor saw them and told them the good news, all she wanted was to forget the horror and uncertainty, surrounding this incident.

"You can go and see him, Sara."

She squeezed Catherine's hand and nodded.

"Thanks."

"Oh, and Cath?" Sara called after her. "Have you seen Grissom?"

Catherine and Warrick, who just came out of Nick's room, exchanged glances.

"He... um... rang earlier, asking how Nick was" Catherine awkwardly explained. "He's in the lab with Archie analysing the tape."

"Oh... right." Sara tried not to sound disappointed.

"I'll see you guys later, ok?" She forced a small smile, before watching Cath and Warrick disappearing down the corridor, noticing how close they seemed and wondering whether something else, she didn't know about, was going on.

She shook her head and turned the knob on the door to Nick's room.

"Hey you", she managed to choke, before bursting into tears and enveloping her friend in warm embrace.

---

Grissom was sitting in his office, staring at the file on Gordon's daughter. He wasn't sure what he intended to find in there, but he looked nonetheless.

He hasn't realised he's been staring at the same page for God knows how long, when he heard familiar voice at his doorway.

"Gil?"

He looked up to see Catherine eyeing him carefully.

"What are you doing?"

She caught him off guard and she knew it. He wasn't reading the file, and his thoughts were elsewhere altogether.

"How's Nick?"

Cath sank into a chair in front of him, sighing wearily.

"He'll be fine. Thank God."

"You should go and see him" she added.

"What I need to do is to focus on the evidence we've got to find out who's done this to him!"

Grissom didn't mean to yell, but the frustration over the whole situation, mixed with his exhaustion and roller coaster of emotions he's been on, finally caught up with him.

He hid his face in his hands, barely keeping his composure. His body shook with tremor, as Catherine watched him, at a loss what to do. She's rarely seen him lose his cool, and when he did, it was rather upsetting sight.

"Grissom... " she attempted.

"You should go home, you know. Get some rest."

"Catherine..." he said in warning tone.

"I don't want to go home. I _can't_ go home."

Catherine got up and walked over to his chair.

"Gil. Don't argue with me. All of us have been through so much in the last 24 hours, and you of all people should know, that in order to process the evidence properly, you need a clear head. And we do need to look at it objectively."

Grissom shot her a look, but knew she was right.

Suddenly his lab office was suffocating him. He knew he had to get out of there. He would go and see Nick, ask what he remembered.

And the he'd go and see Sara.

He hasn't seen her since she went to the hospital. They didn't even had the chance to talk yet. He wanted to see her so badly. He couldn't begin to imagine what she was going through.

Earlier he saw how much she struggled to keep her act together. Sara was a strong person, but he knew her well enough to know when she needed help. He'd seen her working many complicated cases, professionalism being her middle name. She'd collect evidence, and piece it together like a puzzle, making no sense in the beginning, until the pieces would fall in its place and the picture would start to appear.

Kind of like the two of them.

Only, was the picture complete? Were the pieces slowly falling into place or was this so carefully built relationship falling into pieces?

Grissom knew one thing. He couldn't afford to lose any more time to find out.

"Thanks Catherine."

He almost ran out of the office, stopping only to tell Archie to call him as soon as he got anything.

Stepping out of the elevator in the parking garage, he quickly made his way to his car. As he reached for his keys, he heard muffled sobs, coming from behind the black car, that was parked few metres away from his.

Cautiously and as quietly as he could, he approached the car, only to find someone sitting on the ground, knees huddled close to the chest, and sobbing uncontrollably.

She heard footsteps and lifted her tear-strained face to look straight into his eyes, her heart-wrenching gaze almost stopping his own heartbeat.

He knelt down next to her and cupped her face in his hands, wiping away the tears.

"Sara..."


	3. Chapter 3

Grissom held Sara's face, her tears damping his hands, but her gaze never left his eyes.

Sara couldn't pretend anymore. All the emotions that have built in her over the last few days have finally exploded and left her spent and beaten.

She had left the hospital, relieved that Nick was okay. She wanted to head straight back to the lab, but as soon as she got in her car, she hesitated. The truth was, the lab was the last place she wanted to be.

She felt exhausted, she hasn't slept in God knows how long and everything that's been happening, has made her realize few home truths.

Sara rested her forehead on the wheel, the leather cool against her warm skin. She closed her eyes and slowly let out a breath, trying to fully take in the magnitude of recent events.

She thought of Grissom and suddenly she felt dampness on her palms, the unwanted tears making its way across her cheeks.

She didn't want to cry. She hated herself for it. She's always been so strong and breaking down wasn't something she'd ever allow herself to do. True, there have been few times where her walls have crumbled and she let her defences down, only to put them back up immediately.

And there was a reason for it.

Grissom.

Sara knew that if she ever let herself go in front of him, she could never go back. Once the walls were torn down, he would see her for who she really was.

And she wasn't sure if she was ready for it.

_I choose men who are emotionally unavailable._

She worried about his reaction. What if he decided once and for all, that she wasn't the person he wanted?

What if she wasn't someone who he could imagine spending the rest of his life with. Someone who lit up the room with a simple smile. Someone whose face was the last thing before he fell asleep.

What if...

None of those "what ifs" mattered. She loved him anyway. She always would.

And that's why she had to see him. She'd almost lost him tonight. And even just the thought of the alternative was enough to make her sick.

Sara started the car, and looking in the rear view mirror she saw her reflection. She almost didn't recognize herself. Where was the bubbly, strong, confident woman who Sara knew so well? She'd been replaced by the shadow of her former self.

She studied her eyes in the mirror, full of sorrow and regret. Was that how she wanted to live the rest of her life?

The answer hung in the air, as she pulled out of the hospital garage, heading in the direction of North Trop Boulevard.

She pulled into the garage and parked the car. She sat still for several minutes, gathering her composure.

She'd be fine. They needed to talk and that's what Sara intended to do. She checked herself in the mirror again. The tears have subsided, and the puffiness around her eyes has gone.

She smiled reassuringly to herself and got out of the car.

Sara slammed the door, dropping her keys in the process. She bent down to pick them up and all of a sudden something inside her cracked. The sight of Nick in a coffin, the explosion as they pulled him out, Grissom sitting in the ambulance, the vision of him in the explosion, Gil's bloodied face...

Sara couldn't hold it back anymore. She collapsed on the ground, resting her back against the car door, as tears fell freely from her eyes. She sobbed, as every painful memory in her life flashed before her eyes. They were always coming back to haunt her, when she was at her most vulnerable and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She didn't think her heart could take that much pain. She felt unable to fight it anymore, because long time ago she has realized that she was not be able to deal with it alone.

Only she wasn't alone.

On hearing footsteps, her body froze. She tried to stop crying, but it proved impossible, especially as the footsteps sounded only too familiar and the voice which called out her name made her heart constrict with a wave of emotions.

---

Grissom's heart ached when he saw her. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest, always when he saw Sara in pain.

He was next to her within seconds. He cupped her face and wiped away the tears, wanting nothing more than to take her in his arms and shield her from all the pain in this world.

"Sara..."

Grissom couldn't help it. Looking at the woman he loved, and seeing her face creased with pain, his lips trembled and tears fell from his eyes.

He wanted to comfort her, and as clichéd as it would sound, tell her that everything was going to be okay. His heart went out to her, yet he couldn't say a single word.

It was new to him. She had cried in front of him before, but this was different. Before, when they briefly talked at Boulder Highway, an unspoken promise passed between them.

He'd told her he needed her, thus betraying his most guarded secret. The secret he'd kept from her, afraid that it would destroy him. He'd admitted his weakness.

Her.

He always knew he needed her. She was the only thing keeping him sane. His life changed the moment he saw her face and from that moment he knew he could never go back. He knew that once he lost himself in her, that's where he'd stay.

Under Grissom's touch, Sara's tears subsided. She closed her eyes, revelling in the feeling of him being so close to her. She slowly exhaled, and opening her eyes again, she found his face inches from hers.

She swallowed hard, as Grissom caressed her cheek. Everything around seemed to slow down, as two of them realized the inevitability of what was going to happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Sara gazed into his eyes, as the moment she has been dreaming of for so long, seemed only seconds away. She could feel Grissom's breath on her lips, and she trembled with anticipation.

He still held her face, both of his thumbs slowly caressing her cheekbones, his delicate touch making her feel safe and loved. The cacophony of sounds which were in her head only moments ago, have disappeared, leaving her still and at ease.

Only Grissom had that effect on her. He'd say her name, smile at her or touch her hand and right then Sara knew that her little world was complete and nothing or no-one was going to spoil it.

Sara couldn't move. It was a strange feeling. The moment she's been waiting for has finally arrived and all she could do was wait, until he made her fantasy a reality.

She felt powerless, it was as if every muscle in her body relaxed, refusing to work with her brain. All she could do was wait.

Grissom opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead he closed the remaining distance separating them and slowly put his lips to hers.

---

It was hard to describe the feelings in his brain when Sara's lips touched his. The electric sensation which passed through his body made him realise the enormity of what was happening.

He couldn't think, it was as if all the parts of his brain processing rational thought have shut down. He could only feel and for the first time in his life he truly allowed himself to surrender to this moment, this emotion in all its intensity.

Sara returned the kiss, her own feelings finally finding the release after so many years of yearning and frustration. She reached out and pulled him closer, wrapping her arm around his neck.

Grissom let go of Sara's face, instead drawing her closer to him, feeling her rapid heartbeat as it seemed to work in perfect synchrony with his own.

Sara let out a small moan, as she deepened the kiss, letting Grissom's tongue work its magic. It was becoming more fervent and passionate with each second and she wanted to savour this moment. It was going to be etched in her mind forever.

She could still feel Grissom's breath on her lips when she realised that he wasn't kissing her anymore. She opened her eyes and saw him sitting on the floor, his face flushed, but his eyes avoiding her gaze.

It was then that reality hit her. The kiss was a mistake. And one look at Grissom confirmed her worst fear.

---

This was not happening! Sara put her hand to her lips, as if wanting to still preserve the sweetness from the kiss and cling to the memory of the man behind it.

She could feel tears forming in her eyes again, but this time refused to let them fall. Instead she focused her gaze on Grissom, who lifted his head and their eyes met. She could see something in them. Passion, desire, regret?

She wasn't going to be brave this time. She'd been vulnerable, and he'd just happened to be here to comfort her. Another one of many mistakes she'd committed in the time she's worked with him. Another one to put behind her.

She got up, leaning on the car for support and Grissom followed. They stood before each other, neither of them daring to say a word.

Sara stared at him, trying to make out some kind of emotion from the look on his face.

When he failed to say anything, she bit her lip and shooting him yet another disappointed look, she grabbed her bag and started to walk away.

Only to feel his hand on her arm as Grissom turned her to face him.

"Sara, I'm sorry."

Why wasn't she surprised he'd said that?

She tried to sound casual, but the hurt was evident in her voice.

"Hey... It happens, right? Moment of weakness. I'm sorry, it was my fault. I was vulnerable. I... I shouldn't have kissed you."

Damn, she was still over-talking around him! No matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn't break that habit. She was nervous again, and he just stood there, watching her squirm with uneasiness.

"Are you... ok?"

She wanted to scream at this point.

_No, Grissom, I'm not okay! We've just kissed, you made me feel again, made me happier then I've ever been and now we're just standing here, you avoid my look, and try to pretend nothing happened! You're breaking my heart all over again! Why?_

"Yeah... I'm okay. I'm... I'm fine."

She really did try to convince herself that what she was saying was true.

"Nick's better, you know!"

She tried her best at changing the subject and to her disappointment Grissom actually seemed relieved when she said it.

"Yeah. Thank God we found him in time."

"Yeah... anyway, I was just coming to see you, I mean, to see what have you found out? With Archie?"

She suddenly realized that his presence in the parking lot meant he must have been going somewhere.

"Were you going anywhere?"

"Yes.. actually, I was going to see Nick and then..."

_I was coming to see you._

"Go!"

The forcefulness in her voice surprised even her. This wasn't leading them anywhere and she was at a loss about what to do.

"Go, talk to him. He needs to see you."

_I need you too..._

She took a step back from him, watching him fighting over his emotions.

He gave her a long look, full of regret and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on, before turning away and walking towards his car.

Watching him go, Sara let out a shaky breath. God, this was difficult! Too difficult to deal with right now. She started to walk towards the elevator, unaware of Grissom's torment as he stood and watched the woman he loved, once again walking away from him.

And it was all his fault.


	5. Chapter 5

"It's about Nick."

Hodges' words echoed in his ears, as an only too familiar feeling of extreme worry entered his system and for a fraction of a second stopped his heart.

He slowly made his way to the table, where a plain, medium sized envelope looked no more sinister than a letter you'd receive every now and again. He picked up the package and weighed it in his hands.

His eyes met the rest of his team, and he gave them a look of painful recognition of what was happening. He took it upon himself to investigate what was in the parcel. It was his duty. He already felt responsible for whatever has happened to Nick and he wouldn't feel comfortable letting anyone else do it.

Carefully as only he could, he examined the package and its contents. He took out a tape and a wireless USB flash drive. The rest of the team joined Grissom, as he put the tape into the player and listened, as "Outside Chance" started to play.

"Son of a bitch!" Catherine exclaimed, angrily. "He's screwing with us."

Grissom didn't say a word, as he took the USB drive and put it into the computer. He read the message on the screen, now fully understanding the enormity of the situation.

His hand hovered over the mouse, and for a split second he hesitated whether to press the "WATCH" button. He did and the screen changed.

And Sara appeared in his view.

Her face was full of fear, as she tried to make sense of her surroundings. The light that came on, when Grissom pressed the button, blinded her and her initial shock turned to panic. The confusion over her precarious position and the realisation of what might happen, made her scream with terror and hysteria took over as she kicked and punched the walls of the small, glass coffin in vain effort to break herself free.

Grissom could only watch. The look on his face now mirrored Sara's, full of numb shock and devastation.

He stared at the monitor, where she fought for every breath, her face on the computer screen only inches from him, yet separated by miles, maybe even tens of miles, and God knows how many inches of thick ground.

Sara continued to scream, her petrified voice shattering his heart into million pieces. Until she stopped, the exhaustion and the ominous realisation of running out of air calming her.

She turned to lie on her back and opened her eyes, unwittingly meeting Grissom's. Hollow and full of tears, she stared into space, accepting her fate. She couldn't fight. She had no reason to.

Getting out the pistol she discovered earlier, she checked the bullets magazine again. Swallowing hard, she cocked the gun.

Grissom fixed his look on Sara. He saw what she was going to do, yet he knew he couldn't do anything. He could only watch with trepidation, sickening feeling in his stomach, as the only person he loved in his life, was slipping away from him and there was nothing he could do about it.

The deafening noise of the exploding gun shattered every bone in his body, every one of his muscle tensed and he collapsed to the floor.

He couldn't even scream. Sara was gone. And his life ended in a heartbeat.

---

Grissom woke up with a start. He could feel sweat trickling down his face, mixed with tears, which were flowing freely from his eyes.

He looked around, realising he's fallen asleep on his couch. He was home.

And he's been dreaming. No, wait, dreaming was not an appropriate word. He's just had his worst nightmare. Sara was dead and it was his fault.

Grissom disentangled himself from the tousled blanket he'd covered himself with and sitting down, he tried to take in the events of the afternoon.

He covered his face with his hands and exhaled deeply, wiping the sweat and tears from his face. It was only a nightmare. Sara was fine.

Yet, despite being aware of the reality, his heart constricted with unbelievable pain at the fresh memory of the dream. He admitted to Sara earlier on, that he couldn't stop thinking of her, when meeting up with Walter Gordon. He told her that she was the one on his mind.

He hadn't lost her then, but now it looked like he might be losing her anyway.

Grissom smiled at the memory of kissing Sara, the taste of her sweet lips on his. He remembered the emotions that were running through his head when he held her, if only for a moment. He had her, and the time when her mind, heart and body was his, had made him complete.

Yet he still let her go. The hurt he saw in her eyes, as she walked away, was ten times bigger than anything he's ever done to cause her pain. Grissom hated himself for letting Sara suffer this way, but he didn't know how to convince her that he needed her.

He took a look around his empty apartment and suddenly he caught the sight of the photo on his cabinet. It was the photo of his whole team, taken two years ago, during Christmas party.

Grissom didn't normally keep a lot of photos, but he did take this one and kept it at home, reminded of Catherine's words years ago, when she made him realise that people were making a family around him, whether he liked it or not.

He took the framed picture and wiped the invisible dust off the glass with his thumb. His eyes focused on Sara, who was smiling broadly, playfully punching Greg in the arm, who in turn tried to smear some whipped cream on her face. Catherine was laughing at Warrick, who was busy with attaching a piece of paper to Nick's back. Then he shifted his gaze to himself in the photo.

He was smiling too, remembering the moment as if it had happened yesterday. He was standing next to Catherine, but he was looking at Sara, admiring her beauty and innocence, and listening to her light-hearted laugh. The warmth in her eyes made his heart skip a beat.

Grissom had promised himself right then, that if he could ever make Sara happy again, he would do whatever it took to make it happen.

His eyes stayed on her smiling face for several minutes, until he made a decision.

He'd wasted enough time. He needed to act on his feelings. As he left his apartment, he could only hope that he wasn't too late.


	6. Chapter 6

He was walking towards her, his gaze fixed upon her face. She was certain that his expression was meant to tell her something, but she couldn't quite figure out what it was. Instead, she stood where she was, terrified of might happen, but fascinated at the same time. Unable to move, she could only wait.

She waited, until his steps quickened and he was almost within her reach. He held out his hand and she smiled, ready to follow him anywhere. She leaned forward and leapt into darkness.

He was no longer there and she kept falling, deeper into the familiar depths of her masked expectations. Shadows from the farthest part of her mind once again started to devour her soul, as the demons screamed out her biggest fear.

She woke up in cold sweat, with her eyes unfocused and full of unshed tears. Trying to get her shallow breathing under control, Sara's first thought was to reach for the light switch on her night table, only to realise that someone was watching her. Her hand froze in mid-air, and the question died on her lips, when she heard the only too familiar voice utter her name with a great deal of concern.

"Sara?"

---

Grissom stood outside Sara's door, staring at the floor. What was he waiting for? He couldn't even remember getting here, all he knew was that his need to see Sara right now was far greater than anything he has ever experienced and he had to make sure that she knew that.

The walls around him have started to crumble and he started to feel the warmth of the sunshine shining on his face, little bright rays, starting to get through the cool and hard exterior, gingerly making their way in.

He felt the softness of her skin under his palms, her touch allowing him to finally express his emotions. The beauty of her eyes, when she looked into his and made a silent promise. The taste of her lips when longing and desire found the release in the sweetest and most passionate kiss.

She had made him complete. It's taken him years and an almost tragedy to finally realise where he wanted to be, and now...

He was letting her go again. The hurt he felt, when she walked away, was ripping his hear apart. He felt the familiar tightening in his chest, when the pain had become so unbearable that he almost couldn't breathe.

This has had to stop. He wanted to reclaim his life, he wanted to start living.

Reaching up, he softly tapped on her door. There was no answer, but Grissom waited, patience being one of his strongest traits.

He listened, trying to make out a sound from inside the apartment. A sign, that would tell him that she was there. But he heard nothing.

His breathing quickened, as a sickening feeling of panic hit him.

"Sara?" He put his face closer to the door.

"Sara, it's me. Please, open up?"

She could have gone out, she could have been still at work for that matter! That wouldn't surprise him in the least. Grissom cursed himself silently for not making sure of her whereabouts before he came looking for her here.

Sighing with disappointment, he turned away from the door, ready to walk away, but not before he'd done something he would normally never do.

He gently pressed the doorknob, as if to make sure that she wasn't really there. His heart almost stopped in shock, when the door opened silently, revealing Sara's apartment, empty and completely in darkness.

And she was nowhere in sight.

Grissom's hand automatically reached for the light switch, bathing the room in its warm glow. Everything looked normal, but Grissom's instinct was telling him otherwise.

He noticed the stack of books on her desk, as she was probably working on something, as usual. The faint rustling of paper came from the other direction of the room and Grissom turned, startled. The window was ajar, and he felt the gentle breeze on his face, however it only fuelled his anxiety.

He could felt sweat on his forehead, as the vividness of his latest nightmare came back to hit him in its full force. Blinking away the distressing images, Grissom looked around to search for Sara's presence.

He noticed a white orchid on top of the bookcase, right where he remembered it from the last time he's been here. She had kept it after all this time, putting all her effort into looking after it, perhaps something to remind her that he did, in fact, care.

His heart ached at the thought. He did care, and he would never have wanted her to think otherwise, yet in the light of everything that has happened in the past few years, he wouldn't be surprised if she did doubt him. What has he brought her recently if not more pain? His indecisiveness has cost both of them so much time, time which could have been spent so differently.

Taking a step forward, Grissom stumbled over Sara's shoes, placed right between the front door and the fridge, situated on his left. Reaching down, he picked up a pair of brown leather boots and set them aside, almost frightened to disturb the order of Sara's neatly arranged things.

Standing up, he brushed his back against the cool metal of the fridge door, knocking off one of the fridge magnets, which in turn caused a photograph to slide down on the floor.

Sighing, Grissom bent down once again and gingerly picked up the unfamiliar object. His vision suddenly went blurry, as he recognised Sara's features immediately, in a little girl, with a big smile on his face. She was standing between her parents, clutching her mother's hand, her eyes looking straight at him. The intensity with which her face projected all the childhood feelings of innocence and future expectations made his heart constrict with unbelievable sadness, when he thought of the injustice of her having to endure so much pain, and not long after this photograph was taken.

The least he could do was try and let his love shield her from any more heartache. And that's what he intended to do, if only she'd let him.

Lost in his thoughts, he jolted back to reality, upon hearing soft cries from Sara's bedroom, and the ever present feeling of worry took over. Replacing the photo on the fridge, in a few steps Grissom crossed the distance separating him from the half-closed door to the next room. Putting his hand on the handle, Grissom hesitated for split second, before making an equally swift decision. There was no turning back now.

The door opened gently, revealing a sleeping figure. Sara was curled up on one side of the bed, blanket draped over her slender form. And she's been dreaming, but by the look on her face, Grissom could tell that they weren't pleasant dreams. Her eyes were tightly shut and the occasional blinking signified how much she wanted to erase the painful images and let them disintegrate into nothingness.

Grissom moved closer to the bed and his eyes took in the sight of the woman he adored. Woman he couldn't live without. Woman who he loved and who he wanted to know that.

Before he could stop himself, Grissom sat down on the bed, reaching for Sara. As delicately as he could, Gil moved his hand up and down her face, trying to bring her out of the nightmarish world that she seemed to end up so often recently. He wanted to touch her, take her in his arms and hold her until neither of them could breathe. He wished to kiss her again, and tell her how much he wanted her to be a part of his life.

Gil Grissom saw beyond the hard-built facade, that he'd spent many years behind and he finally saw Sara Sidle.

"Grissom?"

She was awake. Her eyes were full of questions, as she stared into his blue eyes, trying to decipher the look in his. She could neither take her eyes off him nor utter a word, not knowing whether his presence was real or whether he was a figment of her over-active imagination.

Her steely gaze remained firmly fixed on his face, until she could no longer keep her composure and, fresh from her nightmare, she choked back a sob, hiding her face in her hands.

Nothing could have prepared Sara for Grissom's reaction, though. With one swift motion, he wrapped his arms around her, as she buried her face in his neck, finally allowing him to hold her, with an intensity she'd never experienced before. Grissom held her as she cried, revelling in the feeling of being this close to Sara.

"Grissom... " he heard a muffled sound.

"What, honey?

"Why are you here?"


End file.
